Secret Garden

Happy Belated birthday hun

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:04:55 GMT

I hope it was a good one for you! I also hope all your birthday wishes came true.

Here I am

Tue, 17 Mar 2009 19:46:19 GMT

OK, so here I am, 32 days into sobriety. I have joined a local AA group and love it. I am going to meetings 7 days a week and just picked up my 30 day chip on Sunday.

I am so proud of the person I am becoming... have had several doubts about life-choices I have made in the past, but don't regret them anymore. I embrace them and thank the Gods that I made those choices that put me in the position I am in now. I am excited about the person I will be when I come out on the other side...

I have to write more later, because I am on my way to my salsa/swing/mambo/hustle lessons!!!!! WOO HOO

Looking up

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 00:44:30 GMT

Things are looking up.

Rich!

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 16:19:22 GMT

Kind sir - I would like to wish you a very happy birthday. I hope it is a good one for you.

A new era

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 16:11:45 GMT

I'm so excited that Barack Obama is going to be our next president. His victory last night gave me hope, hope for a new future, hope for a better life for my daughter and my son, hope for my life. It proves that if you want something bad enough and are willing to work really hard to get it then anything is possible. I'm posting this for two reasons: number one - so that I can read it again in the future when I start feeling down and without hope, number two - because I'm just so damn excited that our country has finally come far enough to elect an African-American as the president of the United States of America.

Last night while I was watching the election results with my daughter Caitlin, I was absolutely thrilled that she gets to grow up in a country where these things can happen. This great nation has come so far in the last century that it's hard to believe. What Barack was saying last night, maybe I should rephrase that, what president elect Obama was saying last night about that old woman who was hundred and six years old really moved me. I think it's absolutely wonderful the opportunities that his great achievement will provide for generations to come.

By the way, I'm using my new speech to text program for this entry. It's kind of nice not having to type anything and just be able to talk. This is actually an amazing program it hasn't screwed up once. I didn't even have to tell it how to spell Barack Obama. I think that's cooler than hell.

So I've decided, again, to work my ass off to achieve what it is that I want to achieve in my life. Up until this point when it came to my marriage I was kind of afraid to stand up and fight. But not anymore. I have to do what's best for my children and my family and myself. And lying back in being a doormat is most certainly not that. I'm not quite sure how I'm going to do it when I figure it out - boy will I be doing a happy dance. I know if I pray and think long and hard about this it will come to me, the answer's always come-we just have to hope they come when we need them. Ha ha

All of this goes back to reason number one for this post, to give myself something to read in the future when I feel weak.

In answer to your question

Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:24:27 GMT

I am not going to stop talking to my friends, but I am not going to talk about the thing with her and him with them anymore.

Last night after our anniversary dinner, we got into it again about her. Fought for damn near 3 hours. But now that she is gone, things will improve. I just need to keep my mouth shut so that he doesn't make life more difficult for those already alienated by him. There are quite a few that stand to lose a lot if he were to find out I have been confiding in them.

By the way

Thu, 30 Oct 2008 17:23:57 GMT

I have lost 25 pounds and down to 20.7% body fat!

More lyrics

Wed, 15 Oct 2008 17:52:14 GMT

I felt the need to post these today... Just wanted to give myself another reminder to empower myself and remind me that I am worth it all.

Please don't read anything into it. I'm certainly not gonna leave D, nor am I thinking about it.

Another Man - Zumanity

You used to be the one
The only man who set my hear on fire
So long ago

You used to be the one
The man who filled my nights with wet desire
Baby, where did we go?

Now it's time
Time to say goodbye
But don't expect
To see me cry

I'm gonna find myself a man
Who's gonna give me everything I want
He's gonna give me everything I need

He will take me in his arms
And when he fills this empty place inside
I won't remember all that we used to be

Now listen...
Too many nights I waited
For a heart that didn't care
So many nights I wasted
Believing in a love that wasn't there

I can't bear another minute
Feels like I'm goin' to explode
There's a fever rising in me
That I just can't control

I can feel it takin' over my body
And it won't let go
Feel it way up inside me
Burning in my soul

You used to be the one
The only man who set my heart on fire
Those days are gone

I'm gonna find myself a man
Who's gonna give me everything I want
He's gonna give me everything I need

(Lonely nights are over, goodbye)
My lonely nights are over!
(Lonely nights are over, goodbye)
My lonely nights are over!
(Lonely nights are over, goodbye)
My lonely nights are over!
(Lonely nights are over, goodbye)
My lonely nights are over!
(Lonely nights are over, goodbye)
Goodbye! My lonely nights are over!
(Lonely nights are over, goodbye)
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye!
(Lonely nights are over, goodbye)
Goodbye my lonely nights are over!
(Lonely nights are over, goodbye)
Goodbye lonely nights are over....
(Lonely nights are over, goodbye)
Goodbye

Eureka

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 21:57:06 GMT

Well, I am in Eureka Springs again, only for the weekend though. Out here all by myself. LOL

I had told Dave quite some time ago (before he and Laura started taking classes together) that I wish I had time to go off and do the things I wanted to do. So, he got me a ticket to Eureka to see Di. Unfortunately, her hubby and son didn't leave for Missouri on time, so I have tonight to myself. I have been watching the Stargate SG-1 season 10 episodes on my PC and plan to go get dinner here in a bit and visit some local friends.

I was pleased to see that the road to our cabin as been "paved" with rock, rather than the dirt road it was a few months ago. Certainly cuts down in the dust too!

The rental car is a mustang. VERY NICE CAR! Had to keep using cruise control to keep from speeding on the way here. I haven't driven a mustang since I gave mine back to the bank back in 2000. I sure love that power!

I was a bit panicked to take this trip - with the home situation the way it was/is. Although, I have to say, that the spell-work I have done in the last few weeks has really started working. The work I have done with myself is woking too, to an extent. I totally freaked out when I landed in Tulsa and couldn't get hold of Dave, Laura and nobody answered at the house either. I completely flipped. I was so uspset I was shaking. But after 20 minutes, I finally got Dave to answer the phone. I was relieved. Of course, the worst was running through my mind. I still wonder a bit if what I thought was happening really was, but I don't know. There is no way for me to know for sure and I certainly am trying NOT to get upset about something I am unsure I should be upset about. I always tell everyone not to get upset unless you KNOW you have something to get upset about. And, I guess I have to just have faith that when I asked the spirits to take care of things, that they did and will.

I also planted some bugs in some ears before I left as well. Mainly about the spell-work I have done and that I am trusting people not to break that trust and hurt me. Hopefully, it will work. If not, there is really nothing I can do about it and unless I can prove it, I am stuck. So, let the Gods/Goddesses deal with it. Kharma will take her toll, she always does. And when she does, it won't be pretty.

Since I have the weekend to myself, I plan to sleep A LOT and visit with friends here in Eureka. I am not going to drink and I am not going to worry about things back home. If I cannot have faith in myself as a person, or my marriage and family, then all is lost. So I have placed my faith in the hands of those above who know all and see all. I have been doing what is right by everybody and Kharma is on my side.

I also have Eckhart Toole's first book, "The Power or Now" and plan to read quite a bit of it while I am here. The teachings are helping me a great deal. I have a long way to go, but if all works out with this trip, and things are improved when I get home, then I am much better off than if I had sat here and worried about shit the whole time. Life is too precious. And I really can't do anything from here. All I can do is hope for the best. In the meantime, I keep preparing myself for my future - whatever path it may be. If things go one way, I am ready. If they go the way I want, then I am still better off than I was before. So, what have I got to lose? As long as I keep doing the right thing and being honorable, trustworthy and loving - I am a good person. Life will respond in kind.

"What we send out comes back" I am sending out love and happiness and joy and trust and faith and honor. That is what will come back to me.

"hugs" to all my kindred out there.

Come Into Me

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:35:44 GMT

Say goodbye to indecision
Leave behind your inhibitions
Unrestrained by moral prisons
We embrace a lustful vision

Bite the apple of salvation
Taste the fruits of liberation
Lose yourself in the sensation and
Come into me

Come into me
Come into me
Come into me
Come into me

Past the point of shame and sorrow
Livin' like there's no tomorrow
Cast a light into your shadows and
Come into me

Drink from this cup
Tear at this tainted flesh
Swallow me up
Served up so fresh
Only for you

Overpowered by temptation
To orgasmic celebration
In this dance of desecration
We find our religion

Libera me
Exorcisamus te
Omnis spiritus immundus

Feel the power of existence
Overcoming your resistance
Dogma fading in the distance
Come into me

Bite the apple of salvation
Taste the fruits of liberation
Lose yourself in the sensation and
Come into me

Bite the apple
C'mon bite the apple
C'mon bite the apple
C'mon try it

Bite the apple
C'mon bite the apple
C'mon
Come into me

FrontPage

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 15:20:40 GMT

Can anyone help me find a copy of Microsoft FrontPage?

I'm OK

Sun, 06 Jul 2008 15:37:48 GMT

I will not be posting for a while. I need to wait for things to calm down around here. A lot is going on that I do not know how to deal with yet. Until I can look at it rationally, I am not going to post. I need to get my head on straight.

Everyone know that I am ok. I am strong and will continue to stay that way.

LOL

Mon, 30 Jun 2008 22:00:17 GMT

So, aside from basically going on with my life, my friendships and reading a new book "A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose", I have also started doing other things for me. Tanning salon, etc. I have lost, as I said before, 17 pounds and found out today that I have lost almost 5% body fat as well. I'm down to 22.7%. WOO HOO

I have to laugh about it though, because all Saturday night, and this morning at the gym, people were staring again. Was nice to have it happen. I even have a guy at the gym and one at my favorite pub that flirt with me. LOL It feels good!

Finally!

Mon, 12 May 2008 14:05:08 GMT

Ok, so I have bronchitis (again) and have not very very good for the last week. Spent all of Mother's Day in bed sleeping, except for getting up for the fabulous dinner D made me - filet saltimboca. FANTASTIC!!! The only thing I could eat all day...

Today I am going to be in a conference from 8 to 5 with representatives from the INS, DHS, IRS and multiple other government agencies in an employer forum. BORING!!!! But, a lot of good information - I hope. *giggle*

But, I have some really good news!

Since I started going to the gym back on April 3rd, I have lost 10 pounds!!! WOO HOO I am so happy to finally see my scale moving in the downward direction! My pants are getting more and more loose, a tank top I haven't been able to wear (since I bought it) now looks good on me! YEE HA!!!!!! I am so happy that if I wasn't sick, I would be dancing around the room!

Tomorrow morning, I meet with my PT (personal trainer), Gina, and we are doing my body measurements again. They do it every four weeks so you can see the progress you have made. I can't wait to see how many total inches I have lost. I am thrilled!

So here's the skinny... or at least - skinnier

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:20:25 GMT

Since joining the gym 3 weeks ago, I have lost 5 pounds and 2% body fat. WOO HOO

So aside from the fact that I feel great, I am starting to look better too. I soooooo look forward to going to the gym every day. THen I come home, eat lunch adn take a nap. Which is where I am headed now.

Life, aside from my son's grades, is good!

*does a little happy dance*

Waiting

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 14:45:57 GMT

I'm still waiting for Life to slow down...

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 14:50:41 GMT

HELP! Somebody please get that banner with Hillary off my page!!!!!!

I think I'm gonna be ill.

Downloaded Semagic

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 00:03:27 GMT

Will have running during work hours, just in case someone wants to chat... I haven't figured out the tweeks to it yet, so bear with me.

Beyond frustrated

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 23:54:07 GMT

So, the Chantix thing was making me psychotic. Mean, aggitated, abnormally emotional... I stopped taking it. Haven't completely quit, but haven't started smoking more either. Still between 3 and 6 a day.

My son, whom I love with all my heart ,is making me mad. Insane mad. He is failing 2 classes, getting a D in another, a C in one and an A in the last. He is seemingly getting in trouble either at home, school or on the bus every week now. Detention, near suspension, what next? What is causing all of this? Myself, Dave, the Nanny, our good friend- all have tried talking to him and he swears nothing is going on that is making him behave this way. I'm at a loss... a complete and utter loss...

His behavior, combined with the stress of falling further and further behind in my work is getting to me. One positive thing though, joinging LA Fitness was a GREAT idea! I like my personal trainer and have lost 4 pounds since I started a week and a half ago. Once I build up my heart strength, I will be able to work harder. However, right now, I spend 5 minutes running and my heart rate is at 165-170 beats per minute. I guess I am more out of shape than I thought I was. My PT is worried that I will have a stroke if I don't get my heart in better condition, so she has me walk for 4 minutes and run for one. Then repeat. She says the racquetball I play twice a week will help as well. I have a heart monitor that I wear whenever I work out, so if my HR gets too high, it beeps at me and I can reduce activity until it comes down.

I guess I'm in one of those moods where I just need a lift. I have been working so hard, for years now, at lifting myself up and have been doing a great job of it, but I am tired of lifting myself and would like to have someone else do it for me for a change. I think I'll go now before I depress myself any further. LOL

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:54:57 GMT

I don't feel like working today.

What I really want to do is crawl in bed and sleep. Second to that, maybe play Warcraft for a few hours. *giggle*

I mean, hell, this is my third post this morning...

Content Strike

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:50:52 GMT

I am putting this on my page to let the few friends I have know what they may have missed. A strike is being called for on March 21st. They are asking people not to comment, reply, or anything for 24 hours. And here is why:

What's this about?

* It's about free and ad-free LiveJournal accounts being abolished for new members, ignoring the advice from the newly-formed Advisory Board.

* It's about LJ staff trying to sneak this decision in under the radar, and when people found out, telling the users it was done 'to make the signup process less confusing'.

* It's about LJ staff failing to apologize for trying to hide the facts from view and for lying about the actual reasons for their actions.

* And finally, it's about the latest decision to hide certain user interests from the list of Most Popular Interests, some of them being fanfiction, bisexuality, sex and depression. This decision was not announced or explained in any way. Users found out for themselves.

Not doing so well

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 15:41:07 GMT

I'm kind of disappointed in myself. I thought after the inital seven days on Chantix, I would be smoke free, but alas, I am not. I am, however, down to the "habit" cigarettes - the ones when I wake up and after meals. Even those, I only smoke a few puffs, then put it out. I am down to about 3 a day. Which is a lot better than the 13-15 I was smoking every day before I started the medication, but not enough.

I am not giving up though. D keeps saying we should wait to try and quit until we move to Eureka Springs. Then, he says, we won't have the daily stresses of the company, etc. I won't let him put if off anymore though. So, he is sticking with it too. He's down to 8-10. depending on what has gone wrong during the day.

Caitie was up a lot last night with a fever that hovered between 101.6° and 102°. Needless to say, D and I didn't get much sleep either. It seems to have broken since 4 am, as it is now down under 100°. Her diaper was completely dry this morning, which I know means she is dehydrated, so we are pumping her as full of as much Pedialyte as she will drink.

On a super happy note - I signed Caitie up at The Little Gym. Yesterday was her free trial class and she had a blast!!!! She could climb anywhere and not get hurt. She got to dance, climb, sing, play games, play musical instruments, walk on a balance beam and all kinds of other fun things. They chased bubbles, played with balls and a parachute... brought me back to my days in elementary school when we used to play "Popcorn" with the dodge balls and a parachute in the gym. Then I flashed back on Spider Soccer and Four Square too. What fun we had!

I got sucked into politics...

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 19:20:56 GMT

The following is an email I sent nearly everyone in my address book. I excluded my father and mother.

It's from a fellow blogger who sent the link for this to my Obama blogsite. I have modified it a bit to make it "gentler" for a lot of those whom I emailed it to that I know are hard-core Republicans.

To all my family, friends and fellow Hounds;

I am not sending this on because I want you to vote for Senator Obama, or any other such thing. It’s not an attempt to sway you towards a particular candidate, it’s an attempt to end the reckless smear campaigns that plague this nation. I wish that ALL politicians could run a clean, honorable campaign. I am honestly so tired of all the attacks against EVERY politician. If those who put out attacks on politicans can back them with facts, then do so. If not, it is my opinion that they shouldn't say anything at all. Now, I realize that many people believe that this is "just the way politics is", but it doesn't have to be that way.

I'm emailing this to everyone I know. If you use the BCC line to put everyone's address in, the people you send it to will only be able to see their own email address. They won't know who else you sent it to so you can protect everyone's privacy.

If anyone sends you one of the email smears against Obama, you can reply with this. You can also SEND THIS TO EVERYBODY YOU KNOW so they'll have an easy response as well. We need to get this in front of as many eyes as possible and get people to foward it on if we're going to counter the smear campaign.

Subject: End the smears

I hope you will take the time to read this. Again, I say, this is not an attempt to sway you towards a particular candidate, it’s an attempt to end the reckless smear campaigns that plague this nation.

When Sen. John McCain ran for president eight years ago, the far right ran a smear campaign against him in South Carolina, accusing him of fathering an illegitimate black child. Such tactics were an outrage then and they’re an outrage now.

Their new target is Sen. Barack Obama. They claim he’s secretly a Muslim, went to an extremist school as a child and doesn’t say the pledge of allegiance. Yet not ONE word of this is true.

The bottom line? Obama is a Christian, he attended a secular (non- religious) school in Indonesia and he has led the pledge of allegiance on the Senate floor numerous times.

Whichever candidate you support isn’t the point here, the point is this: are we going to tolerate such negative and baseless attacks that have nothing to do with the real issues?

The emails are so absurd that no rational, informed person could possibly believe them. Unfortunately, there are people out there who don’t pay attention and likely to believe such lies. There are also those who forward such emails simply because it fits their agenda.

This is made especially worse by the fact that Fox “news” ran some of these rumors without bothering to even try to verify them. So much for being “fair and balanced” or even responsible, for that matter.

Real news organizations, such as CNN, have debunked these rumors and they’ve done so without the “unnamed sources” and innuendo used by the smear campaign.

Again, this email isn’t an attempt to sway you to towards a particular candidate. I feel as strongly about this as I did when the far right went after McCain eight years ago. It’s about negative, baseless attacks and trying to put an end to them.

If anyone forwards any such emails to you, PLEASE send them this email or at least send them these links. Look at it this way, if they’re going to send you a pack of lies that they haven’t bothered to verify, they certainly can’t take issue with you responding with the truth.

They’re all here in video, so they don’t even have to read a thing.

Obama LEADING pledge of allegiance on Senate floor
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svo9mutE6TM&feature=related

Discussion of the pledge of allegiance myth
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPT6edfURTI&feature=related

Obama As A Muslim Extremist - CNN Counters FOX Lies
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZhWaiULqkp4

Obama responding to dirty tricks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7INpMhtG3g&feature=related

Life can be such a bitch...

Thu, 06 Mar 2008 14:48:13 GMT

And I don't mean that in an "I'm depressed" way, I say that with a smile and a giggle.

Dave and I started our Chantix on Monday. Which also means that we stopped drinking. It's too hard to quit smoking when you drink too. Anyhow, several people in my family have had wonderful success with the Chantix. Even my Mom, who has tried to quit so many times, but has smoked for 35 years, was able to quit within 7 days and hasn't had a cigarette in about 9-10 weeks.

The reason we always wanted to quit before, but didn't was because of the stress. Remember in the movie "Airplane" when the guy in the air traffic control tower keeps saying that he picked a bad time to quit smoking... picked a bad time to stop drinking... that is how we feel now- but we are going ahead with it anyway.

I made the point to Dave that the stress is NEVER going to go away, so we might as well stick with the plan.

But this week seems to be unbelievably difficult. Not with the smoking, but with the stress. Abnormally high amounts of things going wrong. To top off the usual high amount of stress from the company, I have been having problems with William. He got lunch detention for throwing things in academic lab. He got a notice from the bus driver yesterday saying he will be suspended from the bus if he screws up again, because, apparently, William changed seats while the bus was still moving. First infraction, but still, I don't have the time to drive him to school in the morning and pick him up in the afternoon. At least, not every day. Some days I DO have the time. I suppose I would have to MAKE time to do it. So, I told him to please wait until the bus stops to change seats. He knows better.

So, it's been tough, but we are hanging in there.

Some news...

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 20:33:26 GMT

I have been sick for the last few weeks with bronchitis and a sinus infection. Doing the breathing treatments three times a day, chest x-rays, the whole gamut. Finally able to sleep half-way through the night without coughing until I get sick. I think my body is trying to toss out my lungs so I can get them cleaned. hee hee

While at lunch today, I get a call from my son's school and am notified that he got tripped by another student and hit his head. No abrasions, no bump, but the principal was notified about the incident and is investigating the whole thing, because the nurse believes it was intentional.

10 minutes after that I get a call from my mother. She has been battling with her medication levels. Toxic levels of her dilantin (anti-seizure medication) was causing the shakes. They still don't know how her levels got so high, but at least they back to normal. But that was not why she called.

My Aunt "Little" Dorie died yesterday. Ironically, or not, within 6 months of my Uncle Dell passing away back in October. Her pancreas gave out on her. She went to the hospital, they tried to get her pancreas to function again, that did not work, two days later, she is gone.

Mom does not know all the details, whether there is a funeral scheduled or not. Cremation - like Uncle Dell or not. The poor kids.... losing their father, then mother within 6 months of each other. I cannot imagine. Perhaps finally coming to terms with one loss then getting slammed with another... sometimes Life can be so unfair. So tragic. My heart and prayers go out to the Olson children.

My Grandma is convinced that she is the next to go... How do you console someone who is feeling that way? She has lost two brothers and one sister-in-law. She has one brother left, my Uncle Wayne and his wife "Big" Dorie. I can understand her fears, but have no idea how to make her feel better.

Makes me feel so helpless... I want to say something profound and brilliant that will set her mind at ease, but the words cannot be found anywhere...